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Are you living in Europe and have a first-name that is a mouthful? Then you might have to pay extra tax as there have been put forward a proposal to tax people that have names longer than 5 characters.

Malin Rudpheldt (one of Sweden’s uprising political stars) is the brain behind the idea. We had her explaining her thoughts.

– As Europe is facing a financial-, immigration- and climate-crisis, we’re looking for different ways to combat these challenges, she says.

– Shorter names equal reduced chance of misspelling which saves both paper and ink. In return; slowing the deforestation and saving oil- or whatever ink is made of.

– Also shorter names take less time to register, making it easier to account for all the refugees seeking asylum in Europe. And not to mention all the time people will save spitting out all this nonsensical gibberish that make up our names.

– As for personal integrity we don’t really use these anyway. Like who says Katharina? It’s Kat.

Malin Rudpheldt wants Patrick to be Pat and Fredrick to be Fred
Malin Rudpheldt wants Patrick to be Pat and Fredrick to be Fred

Greece threaten to abandon EU

Not everyone is fund of this idea. Greece threatens to abandon the European Union if this legislation is put in effect.

Apokapalokokos Protodinipolis, doctor of linguistics at Stutteritotikopolisikos University in Athens, claim this will demolish much of their inheritance.

– Much of our identity comes from our long names. You can hear with absolute certainty that someone is from Greece when you hear our stuttering sounding names. I would go so far and call it racist, he says.

Pakokopolopolis Kakopokokosis says "It's racism!"
Pakokopolopolis Kakopokokosis from Greece is not positive about the new tax. “It’s racist!, he says.”

Others welcome this new motion with open arms. People suffering from hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia (the fear of long words) for a long time have been agonized by all the characters that somehow end up in our names. Finally these people might get some relief after years of negligence and shame.

Estimates an €200 tax increase for the middle-class

How high the tax will be is to be decided. However, it would in fact be clearly noticeable as their goal is that everyone should trim down their name.

Malin Rudpheldt suggests that for every letter over the 5 character limit there will be a .5% tax increase. Put in effect forcing the average european middle class citizen to pay €200 name tax, every year.

Some exceptions to this tax is names that have strong religious ties such as Muhammed, Azrael and Gabriel.

After this, Rudpheldts aim to hunt down our surnames.
– Who even needs a surname? Skip them altogether! We have social security numbers for identification, that’s enough.

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Editorial

Ludwig Can Nervalot

Alex Von Burgerson

Eva Kinglovia